| “My friends from high school married their high school boyfriends” I am coming to the end of the school year. This year I have been living in my hometown back with my parents and little brother. As I drive to and from school and up and down the country roads, I sing, I breathe in the air and love what I see. It is beautiful, refreshing and free – I am free, I am moving. Unfortunately a lot of this year has also been spent sitting on the couch in a multitasking spree of writing assignment, lesson plans and watching movies to pretend that I at least I am having some fun whilst working and working and working away. Being at York for teacher’s college has just about sucked the life right out of me but in the same way it has brought me to life in so many ways…new people, and awesome students. It is enough to keep me working hard for the next 5 weeks, but is not enough to sustain me. I am lonely. Although I love my computer, and have a renewed relationship with my couch, they just don’t give back the same way as humans you know ;) The good thing is that at least my lesson plans give back to me, and that has kept me going. I have rediscovered my kick ass teacher inside…My kids are so lucky because every lesson I teach is enriching and the classroom is blossoming with creative energy and discovery. It’s so awesome, but it is all I am right now, and I am starting to fear a life of magical days and lonely nights. I need something in my life to give myself to, and I have it, but still it is not enough. Over the last little while I have myself discovered it is this town that is not enough. Just like how in my teaching practices and creative endeavours I hate feeling trapped in a box---Uxbridge has become my new box. It has become clearer and clearer as the year has gone on, that there is no place left for me here. I came back after being away for 4 years during my undergrad, and knew things would not be the same…but who could have imagined the ironic limitations I have encountered. Whoever I was here before does not exist… it can’t….and that is the problem.. I cannot be myself. My role and spot with my old close friends has been replaced and there are just too many ridiculous limitations with life in a small town. I don’t resent the changes and understand why but it still leaves me in a place unknown and alone. No maybe I do resent it a bit, like “Fine, enough already…you stay, I’ll go…Don’t worry about me…You fuckin go to the parties, and I’ll fuckin babysit for them.” I am now just the single girl amongst what seems like a million couples. I should be more than that. I am more than that. To add to that, the boys who do seem to pass me by here the majority of time seem to live to break me down instead being a friendly support and building me up like real men I encounter in other places. I should have more than that. I deserve more than that. Am I so silly that I can rationalize blaming my unhappiness on a town. No. Am I just having a bad day. Maybe. It is obviously a mix and balance of emotional, spiritual and physical health…and I will find that balance. I will find the direction I need on my new journey. I trust. Uxbridge is a beautiful place. But I guess not for me. Not right now. In 5 weeks, I leave for camp for the summer to spend some with two boys who light up my life, my nephews Sam and Reuben. But after that, I can’t come back. There are so many opportunities for next year, a chance to break free from the box….so many places, so many people. Very exciting, very confusing. I’m starting to pack up my life here, pack up for somewhere… but in the meantime, back to the couch, I’ve got work to do. “Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.”
|
